


When Phoenix stuck his head inside the Potato Bag

by lilyoftheval5



Category: One Piece
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-09
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-02-04 00:49:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1761063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilyoftheval5/pseuds/lilyoftheval5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A small collection of one-shot stories produced under the influence of awesomeness that is 'Diary of a Potato Bag' by nothing new in this world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Sneaky One

**Author's Note:**

> Introduction in End notes.  
> Go. Read. :)
> 
> Subject: AU Outtake of nothing new in this world's 'Diary of a Potato Bag'  
> Timeline: AU set at an undetermined point in the future  
> Place: Moby Dick  
> Title: The Sneaky One  
> Beta: mamc97nolongeranonymous

"You don't know me as well as you think."

"Oh?"

"Why once you called me sneaky. Me! Sneaky."

"When was that?"

"Oh, it was on Gurashia Island. Remember? The burning building and Devil Fruits? I was slinking around your group, through the smoke, so I could get to the kids and Fruits first."

"…. My bad."


	2. One of Life's Little Mysteries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was the darndest thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Subject: AU Outtake of nothing new in this world's 'Diary of a Potato Bag'  
> Timeline: AU set at an undetermined point in the future  
> Place: Unknown Grandline island  
> Title: One of Life's Little Mysteries  
> Alternative title: It was the Taste

It was the darndest thing. She had no idea what made her do it.  
No idea whatsoever.  
Years later she was still completely baffled by it. I mean… What. The. Hell.

But it happened. And, quite honestly, she could never bring herself to regret it.  
The event never made it to the Diary. There was no way she could put it on paper and make it seem… decent.  
It wasn't indecent; it was just… simply hard to explain.

As for what happened?  
Well…

There was yet another confrontation with the Whitebeard's pirates. By some stroke of luck, and it was about freaking time, she was not involved.  
In fact, her patrol was on the other side of the island proving once again that 'marine intelligence' was a hard to dispute oxymoron.  
They arrived when all but fires were out. Literally! The Pirates were gone and several buildings were burning, a few of them in Marco's blue flames.

Of course, it was one of those her squad had to take care of. Even when not present, he was still consistent in being a terrible annoyance. Typical.

So there she was coordinating extinguishing from the front patio and passing along an occasional bucket or blanket when a small flame started again on the nearby wooden beam.  
It almost seemed like it was dancing and winking at her. Which was ridiculous and an obvious proof of her utter exhaustion.  
Still, it was a beautiful sight – sparkly blue on black wood while the sun was just finishing its journey behind the waves. Wow.

She was already holding a wet blanket in her hand so she strode to the beam. Flame increased slightly, gaining traction, so she instinctively extended her other, free hand and grabbed the flame, cupping it to her palm. And then she stared dumbly at it, trying to figure out what exactly was she doing.

She could hold the flame, but why take the chance. Why making herself noticeable!  
And then an overwhelming curiosity overtook her and she did something utterly dumbfounding in front of a number of marines, some of which were actually paying attention.

She brought the flame to her lips and licked it. Luxuriously, like an ice-cream sundae, slowly and with relish. Few marines who actually saw this stared at her completely pole-axed. There were a number of unattractively open mouths and few cigars and cigarettes on the ground. She paid them no attention.

Instead, their Ensign blinked, shook her head and looked at the flame with what appeared to be shock and disbelief. And then she licked it again, sweeping the rest of the flame into her mouth. Everyone was still staring and a few additional mouths started catching bugs and ashes while her face completely blanked out. After a dozen seconds or so, Wesley decided to make a move, clearing his throat. However, in the next moment she burst into laughter.

A true one, one of those rare bellyaching, rib-bruising laughter. She positively shrieked and then fell on her knees trying to laugh and breathe at the same time. After a minute, the intensity of her laughter stayed the same, but she was now literally rolling on the ground laughing her head off.

Stern and decidedly not amused voice of Rear Admiral Sakazuki came from the upper levels of the complex, demanding to know what was going on. Was it really necessary for him to supervise them as well? Ensign Grey apparently heard because she managed to lower the volume and slowly, gaspingly brought herself under control and on her shaky feet. She wiped the tears of her face and, still giggling, entered the building that was just announced as safe.

She honestly didn't notice the frozen mass of staring marines. This was fine since they too didn't notice some things. Like a bunch of pirates watching them from an indentation on a nearby cliff. One of them would have given them shivers; he had a creepy smile and hungry, oh so very hungry blue eyes. They danced like flames.


	3. Merely decent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She really didn't mean it like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Subject: AU Outtake of nothing new in this world's 'Diary of a Potato Bag'  
> Timeline: AU set at an undetermined point in the future  
> Place: Moby Dick  
> Title: Merely decent  
> Alternative title: She really didn't mean it like that

She stepped out on the deck alone and with a bit more bravado than she was feeling. She could take them. Embarrassment never killed anyone. Yet.

As the various groups of pirates lounging on the deck noticed her, whistles and catcalls began.

"Here comes Lady Phoenix!"

"Was he any good?"

"Already finished, it's barely dawn!"

"Had fun?"

"Was it a good ride?"

Nothing too crass or aggressive thankfully. She relaxed a bit, gave them a good glare and then proceeded to the ladders. She had to leave ship immediately if she wanted to finish her given task. Timing was not the best, but then again when had any of her plans worked as they should?! She was in a boat and just about done with detaching it from Moby Dick when a well-known voice called from above, "Hey Girlie!"

She was never going to be anything else to this crew, will she?

She raised her head and looked at a number of colourful pirates amongst whom Thatch's hairdo and pristine white clothes still managed to standout easily. He was looking at her with genuine concern.

"Girlie, he's our brother, but if he did you wrong we'll string him up properly," and then he gave her a questioning, sly, but an utterly heartfelt smile. "How was he?"

She almost brushed him off, but stopped herself. Thatch was Marco's brother and best friend, and his concern for how their wedding night went seemed sincere. Not that they believed that Marco would have hurt her, but they did honestly care enough to express concern.

She straightened to her unimpressive height and sent Thatch and onlookers a grateful smile and gave them a sincere answer. They and she deserved it to be said. After all, they have been spectators to their little drama for years.

"He was somewhat skittish, but we managed to turn it into a decent night."

That being said, she really had to hurry, time's a wasting. She gave a quick wave, turned on a borrowed dial and carried on following the middle log pose.

Not for the first time, not for the last time, she left behind a resounding and unnoticed silence. As one Whitebeard pirates turned to look at their comrade who, a few minutes ago, had followed his newlywed wife to the deck.

Marco the Phoenix, First Commander and First Mate of the Whitebeard pirates, acknowledged as one of the most powerful men on the world and one whose adventures in and out of bedchambers were the talk of the Grand Line and New World had his eyes firmly closed in pain, massaging the bridge of his nose to alleviate what had to be a truly impressive headache.

A massive headache that continued to intensify as chokes, coughing and attempts to hack lungs abounded around him. Unsurprising, since his decade long reputation could never trump the fact that his formerly virgin bride just described his performance, to dozens of his brothers, as 'skittish' and merely 'decent'.

He took a deep, steadying breath.

The explosion of hilarity that followed would not be surpassed in his lifetime.


	4. Apology is a lovely perfume

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I owe you an apology!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AU Outtake of nothing new in this world's 'Diary of a Potato Bag'  
> Timeline: AU set at an undetermined point  
> Place: Bar on some Grandline island  
> Title: Apology is a lovely perfume  
> Beta: Shiningheart of ThunderClan

"I owe you an apology!" It sounded as if the words were spoken on a last breath from a torn throat. Surprisingly, they also rang with sincerity.

He folded the cards and turned his full attention towards his favourite marine.

"Why?" It seemed like the quickest way to figure out this latest little mystery. Besides, she will not make it easy. That's what he so… appreciated.

She breathed in like a mountain was on her chest. Girlie could do drama.

"Do you remember Sasomo Island and Pennington?"

"Your beloved?" he smirked at her. Of course he remembered. He remembered everything about his girlie. How else could he collect enough pieces to get a true picture. Her disdain for the lout was amusing, his ardour for her a bit of a less so. Wait…. "Is he still pursuing you? I would have expected that you rejected him quite thoroughly in the meantime." She obviously had standards, but not high enough to keep her out of Marines.

"He..., he's still… in pursuit."

Hmm, next time they clash with Garp, mayhap he should devote some of his time to the idiot. Some pain and loss of a limb or two might clear his head regarding the meaning of 'No.' from a woman. And yeah, they do not make it easy because they use it in their delightful little games, but if you are not sure - back off and let them come to you. They always do.

"Anyway..."

Oh, his stubborn one was talking.

"In my effort to explain to him, again, that I'm not interested I choose… an unwise turn of phrase." She was starting to turn red like a ripe apple.

"What exactly?" he cocked an eyebrow at her.

"I may have said that.., that I'll accept his proposal the day he brings me phoenix teeth."

What the hell ….

"Phoenixes do not have teeth."

That was a fact. In addition, aside for the devil fruit power, they were nonexistent.

"I know that, you definitely know that, the whole world knows that. That's why it is used as a rhetorical phrase!" She sounded somewhere between despairing and angry. "He," and boy was there some poison in that word, "doesn't appear to know that."

"So," her shoulders slumped, "so I'm afraid I have done something that no person in this world deserves, I sicced Pennington's attention at you and for that,". She raised her head and looked him right in the eyes "I'm truly, truly sorry". She gave him one more earnest blink, "Well that was that. Bye." then turned on her heels and marched straight out of the bar.


	5. As brooks make rivers, rivers run to seas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In any family, measles are less contagious than bad habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AU Outtake of nothing new in this world's 'Diary of a Potato Bag'  
> Timeline: AU after chapter 20  
> Place: Capital of some Grand Line island  
> Title: In any family, measles are less contagious than bad habits  
> Alternative title: As brooks make rivers, rivers run to seas  
> Beta: Shiningheart of ThunderClan

"Excuse me.", a male voice sounded behind her. She halted, turned and looked at the speaker. He was an ordinary looking middle-aged man, brown eyes and hair, a bit on the chubby side. The only thing remarkable about him was the obviously expensive clothing, presumably the latest in this island fashion.

"Yes?" she answered. She was a marine on a duty and as such was obliged to lend an ear and offer assistance to citizens in need. The man gave her a quick once over.

"30000 beri for the night", he said.

She gave him a disdainful glance and quipped "Are you as stingy in bed as you are with the wallet?" and fucking froze where she stood.

It was a habit, pure simple habit. When there's money or favours involved - you haggle. You should always haggle. That's how reputation and money is made. Her grandparents taught her that and she did it par de course on Flowa. With her family, on the market, at a travelling bookstore… Not much opportunity for it since she ended up in Marines *quick shudder* but that was hardly enough to destroy a decade long habit.

By and large a harmless habit that now resulted in her entering negotiations for her 'night-time services'. Unfortunately, but unsurprisingly, the man before her took her 'blank-from-shock' face as 'I-want-a-better-offer' sign and, after another and a more thorough once over, he gave another offer.

"50000 beri."

She stood as still as rock while her brain slowly tried to start working again. Wait….. Wait. Wait! Wait! Wait! She was being propositioned? She? What the hell! She was just a plain, scrawny girl; looking young for her years was the only thing remotely remarkable about her. There must be girls a plenty like her in this town alone. And how could he think her a prostitute, she was wearing her marine uniform… Her officer uniform.

Oh god! The lights turned on and the whole thing presented itself to her like on a silver platter. The man wanted to fuck a marine. Got to be. A female one. No way had he mistaken her for a hooker since even from the spot they were standing, at the corner of the street that connected the port and the market square, newly moored marine fleet was clearly visible. She choked soundlessly.

The man with an interesting fetish - not common one she assumed or… Roger! Was there a group of men who went around finding and bedding female marines…?

Possible member of that group was starting to look put out and he huffed at her, obviously a bit irritated. "60000 beri for the night. The whole night. If it'll be a very good one, well, there might be a nice bonus." he smiled with a grin that she simply refused to decipher. Ever.

While she could understand, somewhat, a wish to figuratively as well as literally, screw over Marines, no way will she be a marine in question. She could not believe this! She opened her mouth to try to get out of this mess, somehow, when a most unwelcome voice rang out like a bullhorn.

"You filthy cad!" a cry echoed through the street they were on and spread to the square. People at the edge of the market began turning their heads towards them.

"How dare you, how dare you…." a red-faced, enraged Pennington was a frightful sight to see and he was marching swiftly right at them. The squad that was on the patrol with him a distance back. Close enough to have a good view of course.

The man shrank in fear, took a step back and with clumsy feet darted into an adjacent street. He immediately started running full speed. Pennington, with an inarticulate bellow of rage, followed at the man's heels. They quickly disappeared out of her sight. Commodore's squad swiftly followed them, the quick looks they gave her ranged from laughter and smirks to utter disinterest.

"Kim?" Smoker, who has obviously come back from his search for cigars, looked at her carefully. Like she was a wild, freaked out animal.

She took a deep breath and, somehow, responded with a steady voice "If you are done, Hina is waiting for us at the restaurant on the docks. Go and order something for me, I'll come in a few moments."

He looked at her with a face that would serve him well at future poker games. He suddenly nodded decisively, "All right." and left with long strides, not looking back.

She concentrated and took another, deeper breath and smiled vapidly at the few stragglers that were still paying attention. They slowly turned their attention to the bustle of the market.

She finally managed to move her legs from where they have frozen still and started to follow Smoker when a cough sounded somewhere above her. She stopped in her tracks and closed her eyes. Not wasting her time on either prays or curses, since obviously nothing has worked so far, she determinedly opened her eyes and raised her head to look at the second story balcony to the left of her. Apparently an open bar was located there. A nice one that was apparently also agreeable to hosting a bunch of Whitebeard pirates. She saw some familiar faces, but her eyes almost immediately focused on her very own, persistent plague.

Marco was looking at her with the most indecipherable look yet, his eyes shining with some indefinable messages. She looked away, shoved fingers in her ears and marched down the street in the direction of the docks. By some unknown grace, she was not followed. Hopefully she will be able to avoid that damned Phoenix later on while she scours the city for a curse-breaker. She has obviously procrastinated long enough with it.

The fact that she, once again, gave Phoenix Commander another first - spouting rum all over the table and fellow crewmembers - wouldn't have been a comfort even if she had known of it.


	6. The Oblivious One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You won't be bothered by spending a night alone with a man?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AU Outtake of nothing new in this world's 'Diary of a Potato Bag'  
> Timeline: AU set at an undetermined point in the future  
> Place: Moby Dick  
> Title: The Oblivious One  
> Beta: Shiningheart of ThunderClan

"You won't be bothered by spending a night alone with a man?"

She turned from the hatch and looked confusedly at the 4th division Commander. What did he want now? She could barely make him out through the haze of exhaustion and sheer mental fatigue. The neck breaking speed of events that brought her to Moby Dick left her practically swaying on her feet. Only her pride kept her upright. And now this man wanted to chat. Pirates were as chatty as old women, or at least these were.

"What man?" What was he talking about?

"Him", he pointed over his shoulder with a thumb at his fellow Commander who was in a deep conversation with Whitebeard a distance away. The menace that took responsibility for her good behaviour aboard the flagship. She was supposed to bunk with him tonight so he could keep an eye on her.

"Oh, Marco.", she tiredly and disinterestedly waved a hand in the air, "He doesn't count."

She then proceeded to promised bed that waited her below the deck. For a few hours of sleep she would at this point share a room with Sakazuki.

Behind her an appalled, shocked silence reigned.

"Gwahahaha!", Edward Newgate grinned fiercely at his First. "Quite something your girlie, it's been a while since I have heard a man get his balls so simply and thoroughly removed." His continued laughter easily dwarfed strangled snickers that spread across the deck. Brother or no brother, making fun of the Phoenix Commander at this particular instance seemed unwise.

As for the aforementioned pirated commander, his face seemed carved out of the stone and his eyes flickered with unholy, bluish flames as he perused the trapdoor through which his girlie disappeared.

_He_ did not _count_?


	7. Hell hath no fury like a woman enraged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Mail call!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Subject: AU Outtake of nothing new in this world’s ‘Diary of a Potato Bag’  
> Timeline: AU set at an undetermined point in the future  
> Place: Moby Dick  
> Title: Hell hath no fury like a woman enraged  
> Beta: nothing new in this world *hugs*

"Mail call!"

Answering shouts abounded and pirates that were not on duty started converging on Moby's port. Packages had already been delivered by the seagulls and designated crewmen were matching the newly arrived items with call lists. Mail was, of course, not directly sent to any of the ships in Whitebeard's fleet, but redirected from controlled and regularly changed collection points.

A loose circle started slowly forming, consisting of pirates expecting to receive something and those merely curious or bored. Chattering ensued, mood relaxed and jovial. Pirates or not, a number of these men and women had families they kept in touch with in various degrees; also friends, lovers and acquaintances. Some of them, more conscientious then others or maybe just more optimistic in the possibility of their future retirement, handled their share of the loot with what passed as frugal for seamen. That is, they were not spending it in bars on drinks and women. Rather, their loot passed through the hands of trusted businessmen and traders. In the majority of cases that meant retired pirates of their own crew or retirees of Whitebeard allies.

Like a slow wave, the volume of conversations decreased and everyone started to lower themselves to sit on the deck. This respectful silence was caused partially by seeing that mail was sorted, but mostly by the trio of commanders that languidly strode from the quarterdeck where they had retired after breakfast. Clearly visible to all, but still accorded some privacy while they hashed out their business. Now they situated themselves in the crowd, standing at the edge of the semicircle.

Finer points of piratical politics varied in each and every crew. Each one had their own rules, practices and little rituals. Those remained mostly inside the crew and were known only to those under the same captain. Disregard of those finer points could result in punishment, expulsion or death. Again, it varied.

Politics that involved either allied or hostile pirate crews, as well as relationships with protectorates, were the domain of the captains, commanders and seconds. The vast majority of crewmembers just wanted to know what's their to protect and against whom to point weapons. After all, in the end it was captain's decision and his or her word was law, so… why the hassle?

Everyone knew the subject of aforementioned council between 1st, 3rd and 4th commander was what appeared to be coordinated encroaching on their own territory by four different flags. Whitebeard pirates had faith in the strength of their leaders and their own so they were not worried. Nor did most of them bother with trying to predict what the chosen avenue of retribution would be. They knew they would protect their own, both territory and family.

That being said, a number of eyes lingered on their commanders.

"Diamond" Jozu cut a forbidding figure. Their enemies knew him as an unrelenting powerhouse; to his subordinates he was a dependable rock. Always ready to give either a hand or advice. His division unconsciously adopted some of his demeanour so they tended to be somewhat of 'observe-and-act' types. However, everyone agreed they threw the best parties.

Commander Thatch however was the one who quickly became the centre of any revelry, no matter who hosted it. Most congenial and open of all commanders, there were few who would, if they had to choose, fight him instead of Jozu. No matter his personality, when it came to battle he was one of the most ruthless fighters on the Grand Line's seas. He also somewhat influenced his own division; they tended to be rather colourful and 'stylish'.

Last commander and the one most admired, even though all commanders were co-equal, was Marco the Phoenix. Commandeer of the First Division and unofficial but recognized first mate to Whitebeard, he was a source of regard and pride for all of them and a cause of fear and terror to their enemies. He was also a centrepiece of many nightly fantasies. Let's face it, weeks or months long journeys left few outlets for pent-up energies and needs except for ship duties, occasional fight and party.

Close quarters or no, what went on in one's bunk or who was sharing it for the night was neither a public topic of discussion nor the subject of scorn. And while most of the men preferred women, out in the sea most were also not overly picky. The Phoenix commander's looks and powerful aura meant that thought of sharing his bed regularly crossed the minds of many. Some actually yearned for the opportunity. Sadly, he did not bed his subordinates and whether the same rule went for his fellow commanders and captain was a source of much speculation. However, no one that knew anything ever spoke.

"Asperagus! From Donna Merke!"

The sender was always mentioned as an additional security feature. Anonymous senders were not allowed as a rule and if the recipient did not know the sender - the item in question was put aside and checked additionally. Packages had to be opened on the port.

"Kimchee! From Alabasta's Second Bank!"

So it went - some received letters, some care packages that they immediately had to defend from their mates and some remained empty-handed this time.

"Thatch! From Kim Grey!"

Sudden silence echoed. Gazes once again centred on the trio of commanders. Jozu looked... the same. Thatch had a rather bewildered expression and the Phoenix's face appeared neutral if also carved in stone.

That was a surprise. Everyone knew Girlie of course. Her interactions and fights with the First commander were the source of never-ending gossip. Who would have ever expected that a great pirate like Marco, sought by practically ever female he laid his gaze upon, would focus his attentions on an average looking, flat-chested and not particularly strong marine Ensign.

It baffled everyone, but those who met her said that she had spirit. In the end, it was not theirs to judge Phoenix's choice of lovers. They just gossiped.

Were they lovers though? That was another bone of contention. From the interactions they witnessed, one would assume they were not. Girlie showed no indications that she considered Marco anything but an annoyance she was not powerful enough to avoid. At most an acquaintance. However, as far as anyone knew, Marco had not taken another to his bed, be on sea or land, for a year. As he was not one for celibacy. One might think it meant they were exclusive, but why would he agree on that? Then there was the last Summit…

"Commander?", the small package was pushed towards the elegantly dressed commander.

"Ah, yes." Thatch quickly went through the passage that opened in front of him, picked the parcel and returned to Marco and Jozu's side. It was obvious he was somewhat confused and uneasy.

Marco's Girlie never sent anything to Marco, never even sought him out. Now she sent something to his best friend?

"Kiiroen! From Akinu!" Mail call continued, but most ears and eyes were on the trio. Letting out a heavy sigh, the First Commander cricked his neck a bit and turned towards Thatch.

"Well?" he said with an easy smile, "Let's see what you got."

Thatch smiled back a little less disquieted and started opening the package.

"Oh!" there was a note sitting on wool that protected the object inside. He took it and offered it to Marco.

"It's for you." There was probably a picture of blond commander forming in some dictionary under the term 'inscrutable'.

"Mhnkm hmm." Thatch cleared his throat as he unfolded the note. With a side glance at his brother, the pompadour hairstyle commander read the note out loud.

_Greetings Commander Thatch,_

_I hope you don't mind me making use of our acquaintance, but I'd like to leave something in your keeping for a time._

_Two items of my own invention, prototypes that I developed while waiting for a certain apology. Still waiting, therefore I'm currently involved in negotiations for their mass production. I hope to see them spread throughout the Ocean in due time._

_I trust you'll keep them safe for me. I have faith in your strength. I'd consider that a favour duly returned._

_Respectfully, Grey Kim._

The eyes of those present danced between commanders and the not yet fully opened package. Jozu looked a bit contemplative, Thatch now predominantly bewildered and one of Marco's facial muscles twitched a bit.

It was a mystery what Grey's intentions were here. By all accounts, she was not the type to seed strife and mistrust between brothers and even less a woman who would try to play multiple men. Although, she certainly seemed to attract them. Some said that not only the idiot Pennington had lost his mind for her, or at least scrambled it beyond recognition, but also Sakazuki.

What she felt towards their Commander was an enigma to them all, including to Marco himself some said.

Known fact was that Marco pursued her, first as an enemy to fight and then as a potential lover. Lots of their encounters were private, but men in relationships with side benefits like occasional sex do tend to have a certain air around them. Self-satisfaction at least. After encounters with her, Marco never returned with an air of someone who just had a good fuck.

So the Summit was a surprise…

Why in Roger's name would she send something to Thatch for safe-keeping? And before mass production? What did that mean?

Marco raised an eyebrow towards his pompadour styled friend who tucked the note in his jacket's pocket and reached into the package pulling out a… book?

Small, colourful book. Only Thatch could see the front cover. Choking a bit he read out loud from it, "First Adventure of a Phoenix called Poop - How Poop earned her name."

While stunned silence reigned, the brown-haired pirate uncertainly looked at his implausibly calm comrade and pushed his free hand back into the package pulling out one additional item. This one causing open-mouthed astonishment and massive snorting and gurgling among the captivated audience. It was a toy. A plush toy.

It was the shape of a bird. Phoenix to be more precise. In fact it would have been the spitting image of their own Phoenix commander, down to the tails, if it weren't for two glaring differences. Plushy was primarily blue but with pink, bright pink highlights. There was also an abundant use of glitter.

Bright blue-pink phoenix plushy named Poop. It was certainly eye-catching; definitely no one on the port could tear their eyes away. Especially since, no matter the more feminine take, it still unarguably and recognizably looked like Marco's phoenix form. Actually, it was a remarkable work, astoundingly realistic.

With an arrested gaze, Jozu reached out for the plushy in Thatch's hand and pushed the discrete, barely visible lever on the head.

The beak opened and a coy female voice rang out sweetly.

_Pet me poppa, poppa pet me nice. (Chirp!)  
Pet me poppa, poppa break the ice._

_Ooh, pet me poppa, poppa pet me good. (Chirp!)  
Mmm, pet me poppa, proper like you should. (Chirp!) (Chirp!)_

All this was accompanied by silly wiggling that might, _might_ be called a jig.

Horrified stillness was aptly depicted on Commander Marco's face. The way he looked at that adorable monstrosity was beyond understanding. More familiar were the blue flames that started forming around his fists.

Before present and bespelled crew, Phoenix Commander lunged at his undesired double. However, in a surprising move, his fellow commander evaded, jumped away and fell into a defensive crouch at a relatively safe distance. Book tucked beside the note and phoenix plushy firmly in his left hand.

"No!" he said with utter seriousness.

"What?" growled the enraged blonde.

"I do owe Girlie a favour and she wants, as a return, this in my keeping. On this ship. Well," he smirked ruthlessly, filthily and with a ton of amusement at his dear friend. "So I will."

"You know," he straightened abruptly and said seriously, "I should go and show this to Pops. He would love to know that a member of our crew inspired the creation of something as precious as a new children toy. Accompanied with lovely and daring adventures."

As he turned, Marco lunged once again and a game of catch-and-evade ensued, playing out around the ship. It was not an all-out fight, of course, those required win-or-die attitude, but it was as serious as it could get on a wooden ship. Although Moby Dick was far from fragile, it was home.

As he watched the spectacle of the Phoenix hunting down a phoenix, Fillie turned to his fellow crewmate. "I'm guessing she is not happy with Commander claiming her as his woman at the New World's Pirate Summit."

"Guess not." Smiley returned and then snorted, "Women!"


	8. Hell hath no fury like a woman enraged - Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What started with a mail call...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Subject: AU Outtake of nothing new in this world's 'Diary of a Potato Bag'  
> Timeline: AU set at an undetermined point in the future  
> Place: Moby Dick  
> Title: Hell hath no fury like a woman enraged - Epilogue  
> Beta: nothing new in this world

The full impact of Girlie's retaliation was apparent only a few years down the line.

Picture this scene - a victorious battle over a Marine garrison, dozens of their comrades retrieved from the cells, a post-battle calm.

Almost.

Commander Vista was reading a riot act to his subordinates that got so ridiculously caught and the rest of the retrieval party was scurrying round the garrison in search of valuables.

"Poop, Poop!" delighted cries echoed round the ruins. Everyone turned to see an unforgettable sight of their commander surrounded by a bunch of enthusiastic island children. Almost all of them wielding either a toy phoenix or one the infamous books.

"Do a Poop-Poop dance!" "Do the dance!" "Can you poop flames?" "Can you lay eggs?" "Sing for us Poopy!"

The First commander was staring at them with a bit dazed, but already familiar, horror.

Those children, hopefully, didn't see the actual fight, because it was a rather bloody one. Not bad as some, but still… Luckily, the clean-up was already done so no dead bodies were visible. What they did see was, apparently, not a pirate scouting the island from up high, but arrival of the 'Poop'.

"Why didn't you help the old lady during the storm?" "Haven't you learned that bad behaviour will be punished by The Grey Lady?"

Oh, yes, the new character that appeared later on in the 'Adventures of Phoenix called Poop' series. Her punishments for arrogant and not-very bright Poop were quite imaginative. Some say that few of the more creative captains took a shot at them when it comes to disciplining their own crews. Mind you, those corrections did take on a more serious spin than what was described in a kid book.

"Why do you like smelling Poop? It doesn't smell nice to me!"

And on it went.

It was not the first time this happened and probably wouldn't be the last. The pirates and marines sailing the seas knew better then to ridicule or underestimate Marco the Phoenix of Whitebeard pirates. The very idea was squashed before it could fully form and cause their premature demise.

However, younger generations were growing up listening about the non-flattering misadventures of a blue-pink phoenix who liked poop. Everyone was waiting for that, seemingly inevitable moment, when some young Rookie would seal his own death sentence with something moronic like "Hey! I challenge you Poop!"

Yep, it seemed more and more likely. Seriously, it was downright incredible what one pissed off and imaginative woman could do. Hell hath no fury indeed…


	9. Dum vivimus vivamus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life lessons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Subject: AU Outtake of nothing new in this world's 'Diary of a Potato Bag'  
> Timeline: AU set an at undetermined point in the future  
> Place: Unknown Grandline island  
> Title: Dum vivimus vivamus  
> Alternative title: Life lessons  
> Beta: nothing new in this world *snuggles*  
> Notes: Be warned. Somewhat a tragedy, somewhat teeth-aching mushiness.

The battleground was unnaturally silent. Individual skirmishes had stopped and most of the wounded were already evacuated. However, the true reason for the overall stillness was an arresting sight that not one marine or pirate could tear their eyes from. For once, even Chore Boy Smoker was holding still.

The scene that riveted everyone's attention consisted of a face-off between one pirate, covered in blood, holding someone's torn off hand and a marine clutching a staff and trying to keep herself calm.

She was managing that incredibly well considering she was the focus of an extremely powerful and enraged, possibly even a little bit insane, Whitebeard Commander.

After a few agonizing minutes that passed in an atmosphere where everyone knew that one wrong move would bring a fiery death to everyone present, be they friend or foe, the bewildering standstill ended with a comment from Ensign Grey.

It was a very Garp-like moment, or so it was later universally agreed, in a sense that it was a toss-up whether there was more courage or insanity involved.

"That was a bit of an overkill, don't you think?"

It was the moment when Kim Grey became a Marine legend. The reputation it solidified for her was a great source of frustration till the end of her days, since she never managed to pinpoint whether it brought her more problems or advantages. To her eternal annoyance and disbelief, Marco never agreed to take the blame for it. Which was ridiculous since the whole thing was obviously his fault. She wasn't the one waving a bloody stump around, now was she!?

What no one ever found out was what went through her head at that moment. This was silly since there was only one proper thing one could do when faced with a man, who in some half-craze, had torn off a limb or two from another man that had apparently committed the sin of striking her – give herself up to the imminent brain shutdown and go into an automatic survival mode. A mode that apparently wasn't working properly!? A fact that would be proven as valid again and again throughout her life.

The look Marco the Phoenix gave her, the message conveyed through his eyes and stance, became a life lesson neither Hina nor Smoker ever forgot.

For Hina, a sweet cotton-candy-like veil that obstructed her perception of male-female relationships disappeared. Flowery and idealized worldview created by romantic novels and whispers with her year mates collapsed when faced with this illustration of a mature love. It was overwhelming, painful and desperate; as magnificent as it was shattering.

This early lesson spared her latter tears and a miserable experience or two. However, in the end it was a bittersweet one. For though she had lovers, loved and was loved, no one ever looked at her like that and no one ever wanted her like that. All of her. Everything.  
On her deathbed, after a life worthy of songs, this was her one and only regret.

Smoker, on the other hand, was a young man who worked on instinct and functioned in such a way that once he focused on something, he then pursued it with no–holds–barred attitude. In a way, it was almost worthy of a 'D' in his name. If only he was just a bit crazier and a touch more reckless.

What this moment taught him were two things. Like Kim had tentatively tried to teach him over the few months they knew each other, the world truly was not black and white—pirates were people too, marines had flaws. This connected to the second thing – a finally, completely realized insight that human beings had motives, desires and perspectives that influenced their reactions. He couldn't focus merely on people's actions – they could be and mostly were misleading – motivation was the key to their interpretation, the key to the interpretation of Justice itself.

Unlike Hina, he died with no regrets, even though he was called a traitor and oath-breaker by his peers and comrades he had shared most of his life with. For in the end, he died doing what he felt was right, serving justice as he saw fit. The fact that his life would have been filled with less pain and disappointment had his eyes stayed shuttered was acknowledged, but that was a bitter pill he would have taken again had the opportunity and choice arose

The Phoenix threw the torn hand in front of Ensign's feet.

"Well Girlie, congratulations. You were right. 'One day' came earlier than expected and I was beaten by a 'she'.

"I didn't raise my guard. I didn't notice that I was digging my own hole, every single shovel my own work.

"I'm sorry, love. You didn't want my interest and neither do you want it now. But I am a selfish, ruthless bastard and there's no escaping it now. You caught me."

Marco never did find words elaborate enough to describe and explain his feelings for the one woman he ever loved. It was something he honestly regretted for he was aware that he burst into her life uninvited, muscled his way in and through sheer stubbornness and endurance won his place there. He knew her life was more difficult, in many ways, for the regard she unwittingly won from him.

It pained him that he could never, through mere words and clumsy actions explain why he did this, why the apparent selfishness and disregard. It was a true pity that only one Devil Fruit user for any type could exist at the time and that hundreds of years separated him from his last counterpart. For he knew not if the word 'love' was even the right term for his feelings nor could he make comparison with the emotions he had as a human - no love was given or shared with him before Whitebeard took him as his son.

It seemed odd to him that this one word should, could describe both what he felt for his father, brother, comrades and his feelings for his Girlie. For her, his heart blazed with eternal flame and the fire in it kept growing every single day. He didn't understand how it was possible to burn for someone more and more with each heartbeat and never hit the limit. Till his last breath, Kim Grey remained a wonder to him.

As for Kim, she went to meet her father and grandparents with no regret in her soul. She did her best and struggled till her last moment to push that limit further on. She died with love in her eyes, laughter on her lips and a heart full of realized dreams.

**Author's Note:**

> This will be a small collection of one-shot stories that my quirky brain produced under the influence of awesomeness that is 'Diary of a Potato Bag' by nothing new in this world.  
> They will vary in length, subject and I took liberties when it comes to currently mysteries and future plot developments. Be aware that they may feel like teasers since sometimes my imagination goes merely to that one point. It's unlikely that I'll continue with any of the chapters as they'll function as standalones.
> 
> I'm not claiming I have some special talent when it comes to writing and that stories are mind-meltingly good or up to the quality of the original.  
> I do claim they are mine and I think they are decent enough to be shared like this. Finally, I claim that I do have permission by nothing new in this world to play around in her Universe and share the result.  
> By the way, my honest thanks for Universe's very creation because it truly brought me much joy and gladness.
> 
> If you are fine with all this - Welcome. I hope you'll like it.  
> If not - Thank you for your time.
> 
> Oh, and One Piece is not mine. Surprise!


End file.
